Your eyes remind me of the night sky, she had once said to me. It was a strange compliment, I had thought then. To me the night felt scary, unknown. I didn’t want to be a someone who warrants fear from her. I wanted to be someone she confided in, felt safe with. It was on one of those dark, obsidian nights that I had asked her to clarify her compliment. “What did you mean Fariha?” I had questioned in the softest voice. The silence around was so thick I felt like my voice would slice through it. But I don’t remember the starless sky, or the ambience or even what was going on in my mind from that night. The only thing I remember were her words.
“When I look at the night sky I see a dark abyss of mystery, unfamiliarity, beauty and peace. The night isn’t my favorite thing but I can’t say I hate it. The darkness makes me calm. Mostly because of the comfortable silence but also because in the dark you cannot differentiate things as just black or white. You’re just like that. You don’t just perceive things as black or white, you see grey too. You understand that a lot of things cannot be classified as either right or wrong. I really admire that. I compared you to the night sky not because of the darkness you ensue or the demons you bear, because let’s face it, we all have our own demons to battle. But you, you’re a mystery to me: I can’t quite understand whether I like you or not. I see things in either black or white Ryan, but you’re grey to me.”
I remember that day like it was yesterday. As if just yesterday we were friends. But in reality it’s been years. Years have passed since that very night- the night I fell unconditionally in love with my friend. It was mostly because of her perception of me that compelled me to look at her in a different light. I’ve had many friends over the years. Some I actually liked but others I just tolerated. However, she was different. She didn’t just want the good in me and she didn’t hate the bad. It was unusual. It felt extraordinary. But the night that keeps replaying in my head on a constant loop isn’t the night I fell in love with Fariha but the night I lost my closest friend.
Soft wind caressed my frame as my eyes stayed fixated on her and only her. I was scared of telling her this but I couldn’t go on any longer. The soothing touch of the wind did nothing to calm me down; I couldn’t breathe. My words seemed stuck in my mind. All I did was look at her eyes, they were bright brown. She always felt that brown eyes were boring and common but to me I saw the brightest colours shine in her eyes. They reflected her soul which was the most heavenly thing I had ever come across. But tonight I had to part ways with that soul. So I mustered up all the strength in my body and told her how we can’t be close anymore. Because loving her hurt, looking at her pained me and thinking about her all the time almost drove me insane. But even though I couldn’t bear to look at her, at the same time all my eyes did was stayed glued on her. It was torture. Pure agony.
“You once told me that I reminded you of the night sky. I can’t explain how that made me feel then. But I want to tell you what you remind me of. When I look at you I think of sunshine. You’re so bright that you illuminate the dark just by your smile. It’s hard to look at you and not become uncontrollably fond of you. But it’s also hard to look at you and not feel my heart breaking every second. I know you can’t love me and I don’t blame you. But even if you want to stay friends, I can’t anymore. You’re like the sun; you shine through the dark, giving life to the dull. There is warmth in the way you look at people. But we all know what happens when you get too close to the sun craving its warmth. It becomes your ruination. It burns through every fibre of your being, every inch of your skin; it engulfs you whole. What’s left afterwards are the ashes and after a while, the sign of ashes too fades away. So I cannot become those ashes Fariha because even though my heart yearns to stay close to you, I know you’ll burn me and soon I’ll be the ashes that fade away into nothing.”
That night was the hardest to get by. The tears that left my eyes were uncontrollable. But what surprised me the most were her sparkling eyes. She was about to cry too.
A lot of things from that night is a blur. I don’t remember the heart wrenching pain at losing the person I loved nor do I remember what happened afterwards. All I remember is her back, walking towards the door, leaving me behind. I also remember looking at the starless night sky and thinking about how I reminded her of it. ‘Congratulations, you just lost a friend’.
Anindita Islam
Staff Writer